I haven’t spoken much about our miscarriage. Few people even know about it. It just seems too taboo to talk about, and I know it makes others uncomfortable, especially those who have never experienced the loss of a pregnancy. But I think it is important to talk about miscarriage, and acknowledge that pregnancy after a loss might feel…different.
With our first pregnancy, I was over-the-moon excited. Miscarriage was the furthest thing from my mind. We were instantly so excited, and so in love with our little one. I looked at baby clothes, cribs, and maternity clothes. And then, we experienced our loss. And, for various reasons (I will spare you the ugly details), it was incredibly painful and took an emotional toll on us both.
When we found out we were pregnant again, things were just different. My husband and I are both excited about our little one, but we are experiencing this pregnancy through a different lens.
At sixteen weeks, we have been able to see our little gummy bear twice. At each ultrasound, the baby had a strong heartbeat, and was measuring right on schedule. At our second ultrasound, the baby was bouncing all over the place, filled with energy. Even though we have seen these promising images, I am still concerned that something might happen, and that we could still lose our gummy bear.
Aches and pains are a normal part of any pregnancy. I mean, your body is expanding to house a small, watermelon sized human. After our miscarriage, I was convinced that every ache and every pain was the sign of another loss. I still wake up in the middle of the night, panicking that I am in the midst of a miscarriage. Something tells me that these (irrational) fears will likely last throughout the pregnancy.
Hesitance to Share
I am a member of a number of pregnancy forums. Fellow September mommies were so excited to share their news. Some even posted their announcements on social media early on. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine having to “untell” people, or having to explain that I was no longer pregnant. We waited until thirteen weeks to share our news and, even now, I am hesitant. What if?
My neurotic self is convinced that, if I buy maternity clothes to soon, or if I purchase something for gummy bear, I would jinx this pregnancy. I know. I know. But I am not crazy. I am just scared. And then, as I follow my pregnancy forums, I read about other mommies-to-be setting up their nurseries, having gender reveal parties, buying onesies and strollers. I am just not ready. I need to know that everything is okay.
So now, we wait. It will be another four weeks until we can see baby. I hope and pray that, when we see a healthy gummy bear, my mind will be at ease. More than anything I want to be excited about this pregnancy, and I want to enjoy the ride.